


The A-word

by generalllymild



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alien!Harry, Aliens, Aprons, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bats, Louis is a bat, Platonic Relationships, Snowball Fights, ace-puns are ace, also frosting, bakery-ing, cakes, friendship!, liam is The Friend, most of the time but not really, puncakes?? yes., puns, really just a silly little something, zero relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5388686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generalllymild/pseuds/generalllymild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis throws Harry with a snowball and pretends to be a bat. Everything is ace and good. Also Harry may or may not be an alien with a bakery full of pun cakes. Liam is everyone's favorite knight in shining armor.</p>
<p>"“I’m a simple man, with simple pleasures: I bake cakes and get money to save for my flight back to space, -back to my kind, aliens, you know.”<br/>“And I thought I was the actor here.” Louis wasn’t sure if he should be amused or slightly scared.<br/>“Yeah, you are. I’m a shit liar.” His straight face breaking into a manic laughter, Harry clapped him on the back, making Louis lose his footing and take a step forward. He was slowly leaning towards being slightly scared."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The A-word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> From the prompt 'ace louis and harry who make erotic cakes for a laugh, gets money off of it and decides this is the only kind of sex they'd be interested in'. Hope you like this silly thing!!
> 
> Inspired by this tweet: https://twitter.com/joejwest/status/619154310002286592  
> and by this tag: http://sugarscapeharry.tumblr.com/tagged/jokes%20that%20harry%20would%20like

*

 

It was one of their traditional movie nights; Louis and Liam Team Up To Fight The World. Louis was currently laying upside down on Liam’s sofa, blood rushing to his head that was hanging off the edge. If only his night vision would be better, he’d go for a bat. Minus the wings. And other irrelevant stuff which Louis didn’t really care for at the moment. Details.

 

“Li, I need a job.” He whined, giving up on his dream to be a bat, who didn’t have responsibilities. He laid his pounding head on Liam’s lap instead.

 

Liam sighed, petting his hair absently. “I know, I’ve heard it before. What about that library you had a place in? What happened?”

 

Louis turned his head into Liam’s thigh, muffling his voice. “I kinda slept half of the time?” It came out like a question, like he wasn’t so sure himself what was it that got him kicked out in the first place.

 

“Oh, Louis. There must be a place for you- how about that new bakery that just opened near the campus?” Liam asked, smiling hopefully.

 

“Liam, my knight in shining armor.” Louis gripped his heart with his hand, putting on his best royal lady voice. “I shall ride there on my noble white horse the first thing tomorrow. My savior.” He kissed Liam on the cheek to wrap up his scene. His act dropped quite fast, however, when Liam grimaced and wiped his cheek, followed by Louis sticking out his tongue at him. _This is no way to treat a lady_. He dropped his head to hang over the edge again, almost kicking Liam in the face with his feet in the process.

 

*

 

“Hey! You!” Louis was lost. With his phone dead, he couldn’t even call Liam and complain about the cold, about how his fingers were slowly turning numb under his mittens. So, he did the next best thing; he yelled at strangers to help him find his way to this goddamn bakery.

 

“Near the campus...right” Louis muttered under his breath, creating puffs of steam to the freezing air. He was pretty sure had been walking in circles for the last hour.

 

When it became clear that the stranger hadn’t heard him, Louis decided to pull out the big guns. He bent down, got a stack of snow in his hands and made it into a weapon. Aiming the snowball to the stranger’s back, he threw. He might have high fived himself when he hit his target.

 

His triumphant smile faltered when he a couple seconds later saw a snowball, twice the size of his own, coming straight towards him. Lifting his eyes from the ball, he met the eyes of the smirking snowball thrower. Louis was going to murder him. The ball hit him in the chest, making Louis yelp.

 

“Alright then. It’s on.” Louis narrowed his eyes and scooped more snow from the ground.

 

*

 

“You’re hired.”

 

Both out of breath, snow all over them, Louis and the snowball stranger were laying on the ground. Neither had said a word before he spoke, jostling Louis from his thoughts.

 

“I- what?” He laughed, if not to only cover up his confusion, just to almost choke on his own spit.

 

“I own a bakery around here. And I’m offering you a job. That’s what you came here for, didn’t you?” He turned his head to smirk at Louis, enjoying his cluelessness.

 

“I- sure, yeah. Thanks.” Louis was way too confused to stop to think, so he decided to go with it for now. He didn’t even know the bloke’s name, for fucks sake-

 

“Oh, I’m Harry. Nice to meet you, Louis.” They both turned to stare up at the sky, now filled to the brim with stars. Louis was pretty sure he had just got sucked into an alternative universe.

 

“Yeah. Nice.” Louis decided not to question alternative universes.

 

*

 

“Li, you give shit instructions.” Louis complained, curled against Liam’s side, pressing his cold nose to Liam’s neck. Liam tried to swat him away. It didn’t work.

 

“Don’t complain, you got the bloody job. And you love me.” He stuck his tongue out for Louis. Louis smiled at him half-heartedly.

 

“He’s so pretty and I don’t even want to fuck him. I bet even you’d want to fuck him.” Louis tried to make himself smaller, “I don’t even want to date him. God, what’s wrong with me? He’s so pretty.” He curled his hands around himself, tucking his head away from sight.

 

“Hey. Hi. Louis.” Liam turned to him, the movie they had barely even been watching now completely forgotten. “Lou. It’s okay.” Liam hugged Louis to him, the lights from the screen flashing over their faces. “It’s all okay.”

 

“I bet I can’t even bake. Wait, scratch that, I know I can’t bake. Shit.” Louis lifted his head and Liam let go of him. “Li, my noble savior, save me from this cruel world.”

 

“I am afraid, sir, that I do not know much about the subject at hand. However, I do know someone who does.” Liam pulled on his fictional character suit and dragged his phone from somewhere between the cushions.

 

Louis watched as Liam typed in the search words to Google; _what to do when you don’t want to fuck pretty people._

 

He couldn’t read the google results popping up on the screen, his eyes blurring the letters to one big mess. The one word that he did see was _asexual_ , over and over. Louis rested his head on Liam’s lap as he read some of the results for him. After a few ten minutes, he felt that his heartbeat was back to normal, or somehow slower, more peaceful. He laughed softly, happy to throw the bricks from his heart out of the window. Liam noticed he had relaxed on his lap and typed in the next searchwords, smiling fondly down at him.

 

_how to learn how to bake fast_

 

*

 

“I’m a simple man, with simple pleasures: I bake cakes and get money to save for my flight back to space, -back to my kind, aliens, you know.”

 

“And I thought I was the actor here.” Louis wasn’t a big believer in aliens, or at least, never admitted it. Now he wasn’t sure if he should be amused or slightly scared. He settled for crossing his arms and quirking an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, you are. I’m a shit liar.” His straight face breaking into a manic laughter, Harry clapped him on the back, making Louis lose his footing and take a step forward. He was slowly leaning towards being slightly scared.

 

*

 

Harry had his eyes on the ground, rocking back and forth on his heels like a fifth grader in front of the teacher. “So, what do you think? Are they any good?”

 

Louis swallowed, his blood running cold and his palms on fire. He bit his lip, trying to wipe off the shock from his face. “They’re- I mean...I think they’re, uh, great?” His eyes traveled from cake to another, blurring around the edges as he felt a bit unstable on his feet. The cakes were a bit much to take, to say at least.

 

There were at least fifty cakes, all in bright colors, with some kind of texts on them. Louis catched a pink one saying ‘ _You can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt_ ’ and next to it, a light blue one with-

 

“Are those handcuffs?” Louis asked in a small voice. He hadn’t been planning on saying anything aloud, causing him to cough and turn a little red. He was sure the air in the room was trying to run away from him, all the while laughing back at him.

 

“Yep. Hope they aren’t too much?” Harry sounded proud of his work, but frowned worried halfway through the sentence.

 

“No, no. It’s..nice.” Louis stumbled, reading the next one, ‘ _Like the blew skies, would you blew me (away)?’_ , and tried his best to keep a straight face.

 

Louis learned to choke on air, or his own tongue, less with every cake, only slipping when he stumbled upon cakes like the next one; _‘eating c(l)ocks is really time consuming’_. Harry stood beside him, giggling at his reactions.

 

“These are…” Louis felt like he had to say something, only his tongue was uselessly trying to find the words.

 

“Ace?” Harry suggested still giggling. Louis eyes widened at Harry’s choice of words. Maybe he knew all along and was torturing him on purpose. Louis was pretty sure he was being filmed at this very moment for a comedy show. _Another sexually confused stranger blushing at inappropriate pun cakes!_ He glared at Harry from the corner of his eye.

 

“Something like that.” He answered, coughing awkwardly.

 

“Me, too. I’m quite ace, too.” Harry’s laughter quieted, making room for a comforting smile. He lowered his hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Here, take a look.” He pointed at the other end of the table, guiding Louis there.

 

“Oh.” Louis had been biting his lip, anxious, but now he had to bite his lip just to keep from smiling too big. There we more cakes on the table, not as much as the other ones. They came with puns, too, but Louis liked these better. One with a sad emoji onion it, saying ' _An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.'_ and a radish wearing sunglasses one with ' _How rad are you? -The radisht.'_ Louis laughed out loud, throwing his head back.

 

“Has anyone ever told you your jokes are awful?” Louis said, giggling into his collar.

 

“What, why can’t you _ace_ pt my sense of humour.” Harry tried to keep a disappointed face, but couldn’t last for more than a second before he was laughing with Louis.

 

*

 

“So, is being ace an alien thing or a Harry thing?” Louis bit his lip, trying to tiptoe around the line of too-personal and just-right.

 

“I think it’s just me. Although, we don’t care so much about stuff like gender or sexuality. Humans are silly like that.” Harry smiled a private smile; it seemed as it some of the things he said could’ve had a stamp of ‘just alien things’ on them. Louis didn’t mind.

 

“I think I’m pretty ace too, you know.”

 

“Yeah, imagine that. Both pretty and ace. What a catch, aren’t you?” Harry giggled.

 

“Oh my god, Harry, shut up.” A rock rolled down his chest, from pressing down on his heart, and Louis felt even lighter, almost floating. “Do aliens have supernatural powers, too?”

 

“Just a little bit of mind reading and shape shifting, you know, the usual.” Harry said with his serious face breaking into a cackle when Louis paled before his eyes.

 

*

 

“What-” Louis squeaked as Harry appeared from around the corner with a naked man on his apron. Letting his hand drop from holding his heart to stop it from jumping out of his chest, he sighed in relief when he realized it was just an apron. “Harry, I swear to god. You’re so weird.” Louis rolled his eyes at him.

 

“That’s what you get when you’re not born on Earth.” Harry grinned, laughing at Louis’ shock. “So, you ready to bake some buns?”

 

“Without puns this time?” Louis suggested, crossing his arms. He was getting quite fond of Harry’s weird sense of humor, but he wasn’t going to encourage him to make more knock-knock jokes.

 

“Buns without puns? Where’s the fun in that?” Harry grinned and started to get the table ready for baking. Louis whined, putting on his best puppy face.

 

“Fine, fine, we’ll think of something else.” Harry patted Louis reassuringly on the head.

 

When Louis got the strength to put down the cake frostings, all in different bright colors, glittering and shining in the sunlight, they got the cake base ready pretty quickly. All up until the point he accidentally threw flour into Harry’s hair. Harry got a mischievous smile on his face and before Louis got his feet to move, Harry poured half of the remainings of the flour on Louis, most of it hitting the floor and missing its target.

 

“Oh, you didn’t!” Louis gasped, grabbing a handful of the flour still in its bag and aiming it at Harry’s face. Harry’s cackles died down as he got his mouth full of flour.

 

*

 

After a couple of minutes of flour flying around the kitchen, Louis got to decorate the cake. As Harry’s condition was, he scribbled down the first words, ' _I’m ace and-'_ with sparkling frosting.

 

With his tongue between his teeth, Louis carefully continued, ' _-if you have an issue with that you can fuck off',_ aiming to get the ‘ _fuck off_ ’ part in the middle, but after misjudging the space he had, the last f ended up almost falling off the face of earth.

 

“That’s a bit aggressive, don’t you think, Lou?” Harry put his hand over Louis’, guiding it to add ' _-because I deserve better than mockery'_ below it. “Better?” he asked, smiling at Louis as Louis’ attempt of a pout broke into a giggle.

 

“I love it.” Now Louis had only one problem left; he was too fond of the cake to actually eat it. He couldn’t destroy something of theirs. Something they had made together. Like a team.

 

“You know what. We’re quite an ace team.” Harry lifted his hand to high five Louis. At the last second, he pulled it down and left Louis’ hand to hit empty air.

 

“You bastard.” Louis said, running after Harry’s laughing back.

 

And a team they were. The dream team.

  


*

 

“You haven’t told anyone, right?” They lay in the dark, flour making a mess of their hair. Louis could hear Harry turning his head towards him.

 

“Told what?” Louis could swear he saw the stars from through the ceiling. That’s how bright they were shining; just like Harry did. There was something in Harry that Louis regonized in the stars, too. Something that made people want to just shut up and admire them, watch them shine. Something only found in the outer space.

 

“The thing, you know. The A-word.” Their whispers fit well into the night, like they belonged. Louis felt like he belonged, too.

 

“What, that you’re ace?” Louis frowned,- wasn’t Harry the out-and-proud type? And still, did he think Louis would go around telling people he hardly even knew about Harry’s private life? He cared way too much to do that.

 

Harry’s laughter confused him even more. “No, you silly. That other A-thing. That I’m not from, you know, -I wasn’t born around here, exactly.” He bit his lip, “That I’m an alien.”

 

Louis let his hand wander, make it’s way into Harry’s. “Of course not.” His smile made the stars shine brighter. “You’re my favorite alien, you know that? Ace in every meaning of the word.”

 

“I can still taste the flour in my mouth, you know. You menace.”

 

*

 

“I’m leaving. We’re breaking up.”

 

Louis’ felt his upper body starting to slide down from the couch and he kicked his legs as his last attempt to be saved from the destruction that was lying ahead, inevitable.

 

“Oh, my noble prince on a white horse, why must thou abandon me? On a moment like this, when I am my most vulnerable- ah, fuck.” Louis swore, dropping head first onto the floor, his character slipping away on the way down.

 

Harry covered his giggles with his hand. “You keep pretending to be a bat.” He watched amused as Louis struggled to get back up to his place on the couch.

 

“I do not.” Louis frowned, resting his head on Harry’s thigh.

 

“You’re doing it right now.” Harry said, using all the self-control he had to keep a stern look on his face. Louis had slowly let his head drop over the edge of the couch again.

 

“My sweet prince, if shall thou leave me, a single tear will roll up my forehead for the rest of my miserable life.” Their eyes met, Louis upside down, and Harry crossing his arms, putting on a disappointed face.

 

“See, this is exactly what I mean-” Harry started, using the acting skills he had picked up from Louis along the way.

 

“Harry, I’m falling-” he had started to slip down again.

 

“In love with me, I know, however we cannot-” Harry kept a hold of his noble character, trying to inform Louis of the dangers of this relationship of theirs.

 

“Harry. Harry!” Louis looked a little paniced, a few cents above the cold hard floor. On the last second Harry catched a hold of his leg, keeping him from hitting the ground.

 

“Ah, my darling noble prince have not abandon my yet. I am the most greatfull.” Louis let his muscles relax.

 

“If shall you stop this foolishness, I shall marry thou.” Harry had to bit his lip to keep in his character.

 

“For 8000 a month, I shall stop-” Louis squeaked as he was gently lowered onto the floor.

 

“Thank god we’re not dating.” Harry laughed as Louis looked at him murderously from the ground.

 

 

***

 

 

 


End file.
